Disappointment with God #2

Once you’ve encountered the #1 type of disappointment with God, if you managed to move on, heal and understand that you’ll never understand, I believe you’ll be able to handle the other types of disappointments there are to be had.

#2: When we are unjustly disappointed with God.

I realise that in life, I have been mad at God, sad He hadn’t come through for the wrong reasons.

Many a time I assumed He had signed up to give me something specific, or that He had agreed to it somehow. And when it didn’t happen I just got mad. Or sad. I, a few times, got very very sad.

But once about two years ago, I caught my unjust disappointment with Him early enough so He was able to help me heal.

Let me paint the scenario:

There is this friend of mine. Slightly new friend that is, about 8 months in total from beginning to end of whatever relationship we had.

From the moment we meet and become friend to the end, my heart get stangled in love and friendship for this guy.

I take time to admit to myself and God, let alone my friends. I process things. I am prayerful, trying to discern what God has to say about this relationship, how He wants me to handle it. Never does God say “yes” or “no”, but He encourages me to wait, to not rule anything out and cultivate our friendship. Which I do. Faithfully, trying to be wise and sensible yet still spontaneous and sincere.

And as I “cultivate our friendship” I fall in love with this guy, head over heels, and all that jazz.

Now you have to understand the guy is from another country and it turns out he wants to go home. He does very suddenly. I am all heartbroken, tears welling up everyday, crying myself to sleep every night. I tell him how I feel face to face (a first!) and he says “thank you”, walks away and never EVER mentions it again. EVER.

He goes. I’m left there on the sidewalk with my heart in pieces and, what it feels like, no one to turn to, who will truly understand my pain.

Or so I thought…

In those days I firstly got a bit angry at God. But quickly something switched on in my brain and heart: It is my friend who ran out on me, not God.

It is my friend who denied me a reciprocated love. Not God.

God never promised me that love story for one simple reason: He can’t assure me of people’s choices since they, as me, have free will. So I understand that God might have been for that relationship, but the guy wasn’t, and there was nothing God could do about this. And so I was heartbroken, but as soon as I understood this, I turned to God and for the first time I let Him be the one who truly truly understood and saw me.

I cried for days, months even, holding on to false hope and illusions. But because of what I finally understood, I wasn’t alone in this. I felt God collecting my tears, understanding the grieving process I went through, knowing I had to say both goodbye to a relationship I wanted so bad and a friendship I valued so much and went crashing.

We often blame God for people’s decisions. A parent runs out on us, a lover cheats on us, a friend breaks up with us, an interview that goes wrong, an accident even… All those things that are the result of people’s decisions, we blame God for.

But as we do, we miss the chance to let Him in properly. We refuse to let Him console us, heal us.

And let me tell you this: it’s a huge mistake.

God’s presence as I cried was more real than it ever been. His help, His comfort and His love for me were never sweeter than when I felt rejected by someone and I realised I couldn’t blame God for it anymore.

He carried me through, so well, so faithfully. It wasn’t easy and it took a long time (I heal slowly) but I know that God was there. and it’s worth everything and helped my faith a lot.

So if you are encountering disappointment #2 open your eyes and realise that no matter what God does, He doesn’t force people to behave one way or another.

Let Him be God, and let Him in, let Him be near to the brokenhearted, near to You.